On Black.

Alexis Grant 0:00
Hi, I'm Alexis.

Hamsata Mazou 0:02
And I'm Hamsata.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:03
And I'm Jeanine,

Hamsata Mazou 0:04
and you're listening to WKNC 8.1 FM HD-1.

Alexis Grant 0:09
Thanks for listening

know you said

Unknown Speaker 0:25
I blockable

Alexis Grant 0:31
anyways, we're talking about forgiveness today.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:35
Do you forgive your parents for terrorizing you all your life? Okay,

Alexis Grant 0:40
we can start there. No, because start there do not terrorizing me all my life like forgiving my parents, because, okay, thank

Hamsata Mazou 0:46
my parents for what they did to me during my childhood.

Alexis Grant 0:51
So I,

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:55
yeah, hold on, because this might hate me now.

Alexis Grant 0:57
There's some things I forgave them in parts. But overall, I forgave the way that I felt like they might have Miss parented, once I came to the realization that these are literally people. Like, once I got out of the mindset of like, these are parents, they live for me. And I was like, these are people trying their best. They're literally just big kids. Like, the older I get. The older I get, the more I'm just like, these adults are just large children. Adults are just large children. And honestly, half of the time, the reason they don't do the things low kids do is purely out of tiredness. That is so true. They're just exhausted. They're tired. They've overspent there. That's why you find some older people who like people want to say act like kids act young. It's just because they never, they either never or they got over that tiredness that is normally associated with becoming an adult. But I've come to the realization my parents are just large children. And after that clicked, I was like, amen. Say, man, they did what they could.

Jeanine Ikekhua 2:02
That's what I'm saying. I don't think like I have any thing too crazy to forgive my mom for I feel like, I feel like my mom has kind of just rolled with it. But I do know, no, I was thinking forgiven Ramona current, I was thinking forgiveness more on like a large scale. But just every day for like, just like the look, no, I they argue with you, oh, I was in bad mood, or you said something and now upset. It's forgiveness on those things? Because it's just why would you try to be petty with me, and genuinely, like, You've ruined my day now. It's like forgiveness for those things. I think, like, what she's just remembering that they are little kids at heart. And they're human. But at the same time, like, grow up. I'm sorry, did you have something to say?

Hamsata Mazou 2:54
Yes, before I release my statement, in order to forgive someone, what? The other side of it?

Alexis Grant 3:02
I've got this for you. What? There are three steps of forgiveness. No, not to forgive.

Hamsata Mazou 3:08
Not. What are you talking about? So in order to forgive someone of something, there has to be like what issue a problem. That's what I'm thinking. Right? Yeah. And then from that, you have to come to a forgiveness of what they've done. Right? Yeah. Okay. Well, yes. That was like my, yeah, I don't know. What you mean, no, no, I'm thinking in the sense of like, I always think of everything it is what it is, you know what I mean? It's never like an issue or problem. I just think of it as just my reality. Do you know what I mean? So like, for me to forgive them. It's nothing to forgive. So I never had like an issue or a problem with it. I've just kind of been like, this is my life. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. And like, there were things that I like, you know, was like, wasn't the most like, why did this happen? You know, like, I didn't know why they occurred. But like, the older I get, and the more I asked, like questions or have conversations, like with my mother and stuff, I kind of forgot the guy things with it. And it makes me better understand her and can see why things occurred the way they did. But I don't think I ever really have anything to forgive them for you know what I mean? I feel like from what I understand, which may not still be correct, but from what I understand, you know, things just happened. And that's just how I see it. Now, my parents know now can I speak on other family members? Some of them no.

Jeanine Ikekhua 4:39
No, for real. I'm gonna go out some people. Sorry, go ahead. Who's gonna talk Go ahead.

Hamsata Mazou 4:44
Oh, I was gonna say I will ever like my experience in Africa. I forever hold my uncle's wife responsible for me not enjoying it.

Jeanine Ikekhua 4:54
Oh, no. There's are some people who no offense to them. You're just not worthy for forgiveness because it's more easier than just to move on and just act like it just didn't happen and to sit down there and try to hash it out or forgive like, it's really not worth some people's time.

Hamsata Mazou 5:12
I just thought anything I carry on me though, you know, it's just like, I know like, things played out. She could have done a better job you did. Buddy.

Alexis Grant 5:23
Janine, Janine fell out of her chair. Oh, my gosh. Y'all Janine is dying when you watch this,

Hamsata Mazou 5:38
but yeah, well, as I say, I mean, it's not like anything I hold like, against her. Like, actively, you know, but when I do remember that time, I'm just like, You should do

Alexis Grant 5:49
that. So I have a question, though. Because you guys are saying like, you've moved past it was an okay, actually, let me address something that you said more specific

Hamsata Mazou 6:02
than me. Yeah, I'm not

Alexis Grant 6:04
you. You said. You said like, you don't want to go through the process of having to hash it out. I don't believe that you have to hash anything out in order to forgive somebody. I agree with like, soon

Jeanine Ikekhua 6:17
I'm thinking like forgiveness in the terms of like, we're cool. Now. Like, we can be friends now.

Alexis Grant 6:22
Oh, you can forgive somebody and not be friends. Oh, I know that. I'm talking about all definitions for you. And I'm talking about like, the raw definition of like, I forgive you. I have said this free from like, that's so when you say like these situations? I'm like, like, do you feel like you've forgiven her for yourself? At least?

Hamsata Mazou 6:48
Yeah, but I just haven't forgiven her for her.

Alexis Grant 6:51
What do you mean? Yeah. Like, do you still hold resentment?

Hamsata Mazou 6:58
I can't really do that. This is not me.

Jeanine Ikekhua 7:02
So it's just like

Alexis Grant 7:05
the three steps of forgiveness I think this question you saw her in person? Is it up and it's stuck or you're just like,

Jeanine Ikekhua 7:12
Hey, how are yours? Like, oh my gosh, okay. I don't think I'll ever be oh my gosh, auntie, but you say hey, how are you? Okay, cool. Bye. And do that

Hamsata Mazou 7:20
as planned. Respect me. Yeah. But I don't I mean, out of like cultural.

Unknown Speaker 7:25
Like yeah, but

Alexis Grant 7:26
even apart for them apart from them apart from that, so what I meant to say I feel like you don't even have like you could forgive somebody and still not have to do to go out of your way be cordial. Like you could still have them removed from your life and have them forgiven it's just not in your best interest to have them around you.

Jeanine Ikekhua 7:47
Very much. So

Alexis Grant 7:49
yeah, but let me go through the steps. So the first step is one the release of someone from a duty or obligation so you're like sorry, no, you're good. So it's like you're releasing them from whatever it is that the situation that happened or whatever happened or whatever whatever. Like that's the obligation the situation that happens so you're releasing them from that and then having patience self control restraint and tolerance for them and then on top of that the last step is allow are unable to escape from the confinement so you let the situation go like you have the your final departure

Jeanine Ikekhua 8:38
big words lots of big words or no i

Alexis Grant 8:40
Okay, from what

Hamsata Mazou 8:42
you're saying in my situation, I guess I have let it go because I also just don't keep it at the forefront of my mind but when I do think about it, the more I think about the more I get like upset and the more I'm like And that's fair, you know that doesn't like the whole thing.

Alexis Grant 8:53
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry my bad my bad.

Hamsata Mazou 8:56
Yeah, I was gonna say like, I guess in that sense, forgiveness is done with the sentiments of that time.

Alexis Grant 9:05
I was gonna say because I I feel like getting upset with the situation and what happened is still valid but that doesn't necessarily exclude you from forgiving that person. It's just the situation itself is still like upsetting which is understandable. Yeah so besides those people is there anybody else that you haven't forgiven? either by choice or like you just haven't got to the point where you can forgive them myself? yourself? For what

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:38
I've done things gonna pass they won't think that I'm murder somebody. I've done things. No, I'm on a more serious No.

Hamsata Mazou 9:51
More here says forgive stop feeling. Anger is awful. I don't think I'll ever forgive David for the way he treated her cuz that's what I was. That's the you see what I'm saying? Like that. So in that sense, like, you know, I don't think I've ever made peace with it both. I just don't like to think about it also, like, I just think of a situation. I've even thought of it in full like complexity. So I feel like it's still like some guiding, thinking reflecting blah, blah, blah. Gotcha. I just don't want to do. Like, yeah, like, where's that?

Unknown Speaker 10:22
I don't have to. Angry.

Hamsata Mazou 10:25
I wouldn't say it's resent I'd say it's more so like the anger of how I felt in most situations. And because it was afflicted by her. Yeah.

Alexis Grant 10:33
So are you angry at the situation or her her? The situation was caused by her. But that wasn't necessarily my question.

Hamsata Mazou 10:42
But yes, both you both Yeah. Okay. Cuz,

Alexis Grant 10:46
because there's been situations where someone has done something to me. And I know, I've forgiven them, because I'm not angry at that person at all. But I'm still angry about the situation. You know, I guess, are you saying more? So

Hamsata Mazou 10:58
in gratitude? I don't. Yeah, it's more this situation than her. Because I know she caused it. It's like, situation from it kind of goes down there. But it's never like I'm angry at her, you know, but it's just more so it trickles down to earth. That makes sense. It makes sense. You know, because I don't I also don't do the whole anger. Like, yeah, frustrates me the way everything is turned out. Like every time I just think about, I'm just like, oh,

Alexis Grant 11:20
so it's like the frustration is not at her, but it's associated with

Hamsata Mazou 11:24
her? Yes, yes. Yes. It's not actually I her like I don't, like I'm not gonna like are.

Jeanine Ikekhua 11:31
You see, I can't more like, I don't have like any more that I'm like, Oh, I don't to the point of like, Oh, I'm angry at them, I don't have that. What I do is I get angry at the people who like hurt or do things to my friends. Because I don't know what it is. But I just tend to surround myself with people who are very forgiving, I guess, the reflection of me or something, but they're just very forgiving. And they have a tendency to let people take advantage of. So like that, you

Alexis Grant 12:04
know, I'm like, I relate to like, I have a lot of friends like that. Yeah. are like very overly forgiving.

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:11
Yeah. And like, I see that happening. Like, oh, happened once with them. And like, once it's okay. It's not okay. But it's understandable. They will let go of it. And they will let them come back into their life. And because I'm in their life, I'm with them seeing this happen. And I'm still upset for them. Like, you know, that person that we talked about that sort of brought up like, I think you don't have the thing. The one who said go to their Instagram to see pictures of me and so so.

Hamsata Mazou 12:41
Oh, the person I mentioned. associated to Janine,

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:45
yeah, that, you know, okay. Yeah, yeah. Then the reason and the only reason like, You're not the first person to come up to me and be like, Yeah, I don't think you like them. And it's not that like, I have anger or anything towards them. It's just like, you hurt my friend when you did something. And I don't appreciate that. And they might have let go of it. And y'all are Buddy, Buddy now. But I, but I see, I see through all that BS. So.

Alexis Grant 13:17
So would you say, for you personally, you haven't forgiven her? Also? Yeah,

Jeanine Ikekhua 13:22
but it's not even one because they didn't do anything. They didn't do anything to me. Just want to say like, they did not do anything to me. But like, if you hurt my friend, you hurt me.

Alexis Grant 13:33
Do you feel like you have the authority to give? Like, I feel like, this is interesting, because I feel like in situations like this, when you're like the front of the person that got hurt, you have enough authority in the situation to be upset, but then you also feel like you don't have enough authority to forgive that person.

Jeanine Ikekhua 13:51
Yeah, I feel like that's what I'm currently in. And people are like, and like the person that got hurt. It's like, forgive them. Like, it's not like it's fine like I did, which I also get, but I still can't get over the fact that they did something to you more than once, on different occasions. And you have come back to me in like, it's minor things. But I feel like minor things start to add up. And yes, they haven't done it in a while, which is understandable. I get that people change that's complete. And they're not an evil person. Like they've never, I have like direct relationship with them. Like they've never done anything to me personally. But also, I do not hang out with this person to the degree that my other friend hangs out with them. So I could not be seeing their full character. That's also very true. But I just thought that you're missing out on honestly, and I feel like regardless of what the case is, why would they do what they did? And why would they do it more than once?

Hamsata Mazou 14:51
Extra more than once. It's crazy.

Alexis Grant 14:56
Yeah, because they're doing you wrong. I feel like that's the same thing with me like the people I feel like I haven't forgiven is people that have hurt my friends, like one of my friends has a friend. And they've been friends, like, kind of on and off. And it's funny because I was actually on my own, like the same kind of thing that you had my own relationship with them. I didn't even know they knew each other when I started becoming friends with other girl. I remember the story.

Jeanine Ikekhua 15:25
Really no real Go ahead.

Alexis Grant 15:27
I don't think it's that story. Okay. Yeah, I don't know why this has happened to me a few times. But anyways. And she just like, she just said things to my friends and just did actions that were very nasty. And it wasn't out of malicious attempt, but it was very malicious things. So I felt like I spoke on them as a character more than if she had done it on purpose. Because it was just like, the fact that you see nothing wrong with the things that you were saying or doing is insane to me, like this is stuff that like has made my friend cry. And they've like, and I understand people again, like they changed and matured that. I'm sorry, personally, me, I got fed up because I like I was going along with her like forgiving backing away for getting back away. Because at the end of the day, even though I had my own personal relationship with them, it got to the point where like, I didn't really see them as much anymore. And my friends relationship with her was stronger. See, that's me to go ahead. And so I just got to the point where like, I'm cordial, I'm nice. But if I'm being honest, I have not forgiven you for the stuff that you've said and done to my friend because I think it's so vile, like biotechnol messed up, like, I personally and even though I haven't forgiven them, I'm still able to be cordial to them. But I, I do hold that against them. And I would never recommend them as a friend to anybody.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:48
See, I try to like separate it and be like, well, they've been good to me, which is having good my foot. But then I'm like, no, because my friend is me. I've done that. I don't know, I think that's why like when it comes up in conversations, like when their name is brought up, my face is like, Yeah, cuz I'm just like, because it just all hits again. Yes, it's like, can we please move on from this person?

Alexis Grant 17:14
See, I'm gonna say I've had those situations where like, I feel like this one's different. I've had situations where two people I was friends with were like fighting and they've either both done wrong ones on one did it. And I've been able to separate it because the relationship they have with each other has nothing to do with the relationship I have with them as individuals. But because of this situation where like, I started getting closer to them, partially because I found out they were friends with my friend. And then I stopped hanging out with them. And I only hung out with them when I was with my friend. That's when I was like, I can't do this anymore. Yeah, that makes sense. It wasn't really actually your friend anymore. Yeah, it never really was. No, I would say we were friends. Because we used to hang out one on one by ourselves. You didn't mention that. Okay, but I'm saying like, eventually, I stopped hanging out with her not because of that stuff, just because we grew apart. And then I only started hanging out with her because my friend was friends with her. But we were friends originally like just us too. Yeah, I don't know, I just because I feel like I'm a very forgiving person too. So once you get me to the point where I'm angry, like genuinely angry at you. The comeback from that is the steepest hill you can climb. That's not even 90 degree. Like that's like

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:30
I definitely I agree, especially multiple times.

Alexis Grant 18:33
Like what like normally when I'm done with somebody, I'm done. Like, that's why I get so confused. And I start getting a little rude and less considerate when people repeatedly do wrong to somebody that's in my life. And they keep forgiving them. I can't even be like, Yes, I'm upset with them. But I only I can only get so upset with them. Because at some point, you're just letting them back in your life over and over and over. And I can't do anything about that. Like, at this point in my head. You're choosing this pain. Like you're actively choosing to get hurt.

Jeanine Ikekhua 19:06
That is true. I mean, there's also some like, pushback on your friend also because that is true. But also, I just take it as my friends. Oh, I just take it as my friends. Are they just forgiving people not just like, don't take advantage of that. Yeah, like don't take advantage of my friends.

Alexis Grant 19:29
But I don't know. I feel like it's kind of human nature. Like if you can take advantage. People tend to take advantage. Yeah, but like still

Jeanine Ikekhua 19:34
Yeah. The point is, you're weird. CLR weird in this world.

Hamsata Mazou 19:41
I think like for me, go ahead. What's your question? No, go ahead. First, I tried me. No, because like I've never stayed long enough for somebody to try me.

Jeanine Ikekhua 19:51
That's what I was about to ask. Also, do you have any like deep connections with people? Oh, 110% Okay. Like only Yeah, because you do have like multiple friends in like, the UNC system.

Hamsata Mazou 20:06
I do. I do, I just have friends kind of all over talk to different friends on different frequencies as well. So like, it really just depends on the person. But I've stayed long enough for somebody tried me, which I think for us because I haven't really been in drama. Because I haven't been there long enough to be in drama. Like when I come to a new space, believe it or not, I'm quiet. I'm just literally just there. Like some people don't even know I'm there the first year or like the first few months, and then I slowly start making my way into the community and stuff. And then once I get like, pretty heavily involved, I guess for life so sorry, oh, maybe a little bit more and then I'm gone. Like so. There's not really time for like drama, and I'm not a drama person too. So it's gonna be even more like difficult or longer for dramas even five minutes even occur. That's

Alexis Grant 20:54
so real. I'm so anti drama anti confrontation that if there is like, Oh, it was not me. I don't do conflict.

Hamsata Mazou 21:01
Like if it's just like a little Yes. Okay, cool. Like to get it over with, I probably just do it. Like, I just don't like conflict. But I do like coming to an understanding. I don't think everything has to be a conflict. But if you're trying to make it a conflict, I'll just step away if you know what I mean. And if you're not somebody valued anyways, I'll just leave you to it. If you somebody I do value, we'll come back to it try to re approach it to hash it out. Because someone a value to me, do you know what I mean? And I like to like put the hash. Go ahead. Oh, I was gonna say that's it. Okay. I like to hash things out on the spa. Like, I cannot stand people who are like,

Jeanine Ikekhua 21:35
like, Yes, I need time to process. But at least don't make me look crazy. At least they agree with me that there's a problem here. I don't know. I like to like it happened. Let's think about it. And let's get it done. Like, I don't want to take that with me to places that I go. Because if I'm beefing with somebody, like I put that on my chest,

Hamsata Mazou 21:52
and how serious is the beef? You know, some beats are just like not even worth, like, you know, it's just like, whatever. But if it's weighing down on me or something like that, then I'm just like, Okay, this is something serious. I take time to myself to see like, how I want to approach it. And then I go on with that conversation. Stuff like that usually mean the other person are already on the same side. Because it's magnanimous minority series.

Alexis Grant 22:16
Yeah, because honestly, once I forgive, like, if it's some situation where I'm beefing with somebody, if I forgive them, then in my head, there's no more beef, right? Like, it's just at that point, you're just a hater. I just like if you if you still feel Yeah, cuz I feel like it's only beef. If it's like the feeling's mutual, you know what I mean? But if it's like one sided, you're just either like, a hater or you just like drama, or you're just immature, like, it's got to be one of those things. Because if we're beefing, then I'm at some point stooping down to your level, and I'm not gonna sit here and be like, I've never stooped down, but I don't like get and I don't stay there long. Because eventually, I'm gonna just be like, bro, what's the point? It wasn't even worth it. You know? Like, nothing's getting moved. Nothing's changing from this. So continue. I'll keep it in mind. It's not like we're gonna pretend nothing never happened. But there's gonna be, um, that animosity that might have felt toward you is gonna be gone.

Hamsata Mazou 23:26
That's so real. Pay Yeah.

Alexis Grant 23:31
Is there something that you haven't forgiven yourself for? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 23:39
I'm going off process the

Alexis Grant 23:42
Janine, I'm gonna need you to start processing these things, y'all.

Jeanine Ikekhua 23:44
Either. Y'all want me to process this stuff? Or y'all want me to get my A's? which one I want?

Alexis Grant 23:50
Um, can you not do both while you're in the UK? Oh,

Jeanine Ikekhua 23:53
I'm gonna get my A's. But that's because I'm not going to school that much. But yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm telling you, everything will be processed on my holiday on my break. But as of right now, I haven't processed anything from the school year.

Alexis Grant 24:07
But even from before the school year, is there anything that like you haven't forgiven yourself for or like, like, even like, survivor's guilt kind of things are like,

Jeanine Ikekhua 24:15
Oh, yes. I recently realized this. I don't think I forgiven myself for changing my accent. Hmm, I was kind of

Alexis Grant 24:28
this big. How do you what do you think the process is to forgive yourself for something like that? Because I don't have any like perspective for that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 24:39
I said, like, like, just be more comfortable with it. But like it's easier said than done. Yeah, like it's a lot harder than that. And always why I don't forgive myself for it is because my mom is like trying to I can I can see that. She's like, trying to do what I did when I was 12. I'm literally telling her like, don't do this BS because number one, you're like in your 40s. Now, like, it's not worth it. You've lived there for 40 something years, what is the point of change at this point? And I feel like a hypocrite, because I tell her Don't do that. But I did mine like seven years ago. But the reason why I say I forgive myself is because I repressed a side of me, that could have literally brought me so much joy. If I had just learned to live in this world and embrace it.

Alexis Grant 25:29
I don't think you're like, maybe you're a hypocrite for it. But not I don't think it's as bad as you think. Because you got a lot of parents, like, they'll go through stuff, and then they'll tell their kids not to do it, because they've been through it. So I feel like because you've been through it, you have the perspective to tell your mom it's not worth it.

Jeanine Ikekhua 25:44
Yeah. Well, still, like I understand why she's doing it.

Alexis Grant 25:47
Yeah, but it's just like breaking your heart to watch. Yeah, cuz it's just like you're 40 Something

Jeanine Ikekhua 25:51
like, it's different when you're 12. And like, you naturally just pick up on what's around you as a child. But you're 40 something and I can actively see you trying to do it. And I was talking about this earlier with somebody I was just like, I feel so bad for my mom sometimes because I can hear in her voice like, she wants to change her accent. So then she like, when she's speaking American English. She like has choppier words. And it sounds like she's like struggling to communicate. But it's like, no, like, she knows exactly what she wants to say. Because the moment we get home, see sis is speaking in like, I'm like, slow down, like, like, Give me a minute to process. But then when we go out like she tries to dumb things down so people understand through the accent. Just like you not have to do that. Like, if they don't get it, they don't get it. That's a fault. Like next time go abroad like next time, expand your little American language barrier like your act like you don't have accents, you'll have accidents. You just think that you're the standard? Yep. You have your beer? Is there anything for you? Um, so yeah, Sati home study.

Hamsata Mazou 26:59
The question was something I never forgiven myself for right? I don't think so. I can't really think of anything.

Alexis Grant 27:07
I put like mines, like small little things up, build up. Like, I feel like a lot of past smaller decisions that I've made that ended up affecting me long term. And I probably could have foreseen they've affected me long term, but I didn't let myself look at it that way. That I need to like, I feel like I won't forgive myself until my habits change. Oh, yeah. Cuz I feel like I'm still in, like, still making those stupid little air. So it's just more being me being mad at myself. And I feel like, you know, will self help something be like, forgive yourself to move on from it and did it. But honestly, I don't see like, I don't think I'm gonna forgive myself for like, these little chant like, you little decisions

Hamsata Mazou 27:57
until I see the change in habit. Or they like decisions you made recently ish, or like, in the past, or

Alexis Grant 28:06
both, I'd say in the past three years, just like little decisions, cuz it's really like when I think about them as a whole, I think about how much further I could be in the things that I really want in life. And how I literally just like, let myself not be the best I could be. So I guess that's the all encompassing way of putting it like I am not forgiving myself for not reaching the potential that I know I had.

Hamsata Mazou 28:36
Oh, wow, that is kind of deep.

Alexis Grant 28:41
Yeah. And it's just upsetting to think about, because it's, like, I just think of the small things I could do. And I'm like, I could be so much closer to what I want. And if I had done those things, I would actually be in such a better position where I wouldn't even have to work as hard as I'm working now. And still be getting in better positions and be in a better place. With less work. I just made smaller decisions in the past that were better. Do you

Hamsata Mazou 29:08
think these were things that you had control of or they weren't

Alexis Grant 29:12
foreseen? There were definitely things I had control of. And there are things I could have some of them I foresaw. And I was just hung up in the moment. And then some of them is stuff that I didn't foresee because I wouldn't allow myself because I wanted what I wanted in the moment. So it was just me putting my present self ahead of my future self too many times. Like sometimes you have to put like your present body, your present whatever first. But I've just I choose present self too much. And it affects my future self and then I keep making those decisions because I'm in situations I don't want to be in because I didn't make those earlier decisions.

Hamsata Mazou 29:54
I think for me, it's like I make those same decisions. But for me, it's always What's present? I mean, really, that's what I Trump always and I'm fine with that decision. Just because I think also, like rear view always have, like back end, like what future me wants to an extent. So it's like, as long as it's not like the worst thing in the world, which usually never is, like, yeah, it's definitely pulling me back a little bit or something, you know, I don't know, I always have the thing of like, evidently, I'm reached there. It's just gonna be my journey. My path, and that's just what it's gonna be, you know? Yeah. And it's just an experience. I don't know. For me, it was just like, Oh, I'm doing this. Okay, cool.

Alexis Grant 30:39
Yeah, I feel like I didn't get to the point where I had to even forgive myself until I realized that I was somewhat connected to what you said. was the last sentence you said.

Hamsata Mazou 30:54
Literally, armor was like, okay, cool. So bad. I was saying how I do like I relate to your sentiments however, I just don't feel like they ever came to a point of like, not being like holding it against me. Cuz I'm just like, by the experience, that those words, I think those might have been

Alexis Grant 31:14
okay. I think I made too many small decisions to where I feel like I have messed up my journey. And that's why I got to the point where I'm like, I need to forgive myself. He's messed up.

Hamsata Mazou 31:23
Oh, like my, your journey written as you're living it.

Alexis Grant 31:27
It is. But I just know, my journey could have been, I think it's the gap that's messing me up. Like, maybe if I catch up to that gap, or like, start moving in that direction, that's when I'll be able to figure myself but I just know the gap is so wide between what could have been and what is

Hamsata Mazou 31:42
where these expectations that you had in place for your journey? Yes, you're not reaching up to that year falling behind.

Alexis Grant 31:50
But I'm falling behind from my own choices. It's not like things didn't work out. It was like, I chose not to do what I needed to do.

Hamsata Mazou 31:59
No, yeah, I got that. Yeah, part of it. This is why I don't set expectations for myself, I'm weak. And I say that in the sense of like, I just don't like feeling let down at all. And when I do set expectations, I make them like bendable and not like defining. And when I do set them, I'm like, Okay, I tried to be realistic one. Also, let them not be defining too. And with that, I feel like it's allowed me the flexibility of like, you know, trying to work towards something soft, like expectations are still always good, because you something to work towards. But without me leaving sentiments of like, you know, oh, like really sad, sad sided, not reaching the things I wanted to, and realizing I worked towards it, you know, I put in some effort, and I could appreciate what I've done for myself and stuff. And move on with that. But I do see what you're saying. I don't know, I just don't have that forgiveness back there. I don't know, if it's because I haven't done. Like the add up is what you're saying. So if I get to that point, perhaps I'll get to that stage. But for me. Evidently, the end goal is gonna get reached, and this is the journey I choose to go on.

Alexis Grant 33:20
Yeah, yeah. I feel like Yeah. I think that's where it is from, because I think it's, I'm like, in a mindset where for the first time, I started having doubts in me reaching my end goals.

Hamsata Mazou 33:34
Oh, see, when you start letting doubt sit you there. That's where you know, you might have missed too many curves. I hate what you say, I think because my goal I know is very attainable, regardless of the route. I'm just like, it's whatever. But I do know you have a little bit more like things that do need more alignment and more Z. Or they could be somewhat, yeah, were more difficult. You know, you'd never want to go Yeah, it was more difficult just

Alexis Grant 34:00
even being like in a naive instance, specifically, engineering. Yeah, it's so accredited base and like, it is very great. But like those things, really, like change a lot for your career as an engineer. So these years in college are very definitive and can make a like, just an insurmountable, huge difference. And you haven't been treating as such. Yeah. And I think I don't know if it's a common I don't know. I think I just I don't

Hamsata Mazou 34:37
see now I understand you like now that ice has been like, I'm just like, I see your sentiments. I see why you feel the way you do. And why you feel like, you can't forgive yourself for some of the things you've done. Yeah. And I honestly feel like they're valid. They're very valid. I mean, regardless, they're valid, but like, yeah, I see the validity and Now, and all I can say is, yeah, recognize there's still more to go. And that not that you have that knowledge you have that want. For those goals, just move in that direction. You know, I always feel like things do work out in your favor, as long as you put in that effort. I mean, still, I mean, realistically engineer stuff, but know that you just can't play around as much, you probably Yeah, all your free chances. And so now it's just like, every stone has to be hit correctly, which kind of puts a little bit more pressure, I'm assuming it makes it a little bit more tense than needed. If you had like, spread out your free chances more

Alexis Grant 35:39
than everything you just said, cold liquid goes to exactly what's going on.

Hamsata Mazou 35:46
Now. I feel like I've gotten to that point. Definitely for myself as well. But I think it's also because at the end of the day, my career, you could still make it the backward. Yeah, there's still a backward another backward and another backward and like the path I'm choosing I did use a lot of free chances. I do have a little bit left, but I think the knowledge of the back way being accessible still keeping me I guess, calm.

Jeanine Ikekhua 36:11
Yeah, more. No sense. No, I feel that is to know I feel that I feel like I'm not taking finding an internship for the upcoming summer as serious as I said, I would take it last semester last year, because last year, I didn't take it as seriously as I could. And I got lucky and lucked out like lucked out with WMC. But I think that was God. I don't know if it's gonna happen again. But I don't know. I feel like God is pushing me in one direction. I don't know. I just feel like if I make that same mistake again, and it doesn't work out, like I'm not gonna forgive myself for that, because, yeah, like, God literally gave me opportunities. And I applied, but there's others that I could have applied for. And like dealing with that regret of like, dang, I should have done this, I should have done that thing when it was right there.

Alexis Grant 37:11
Yeah. And it's like the, and I, I would say how the only way I feel like I'm gonna forgive myself is if I either catch back up, or I start working towards that direction of where I think I should be at this point. So until I start, like, continuously seeing success in that path, I'm not gonna be able to forgive myself for making those dumb little decisions for no reason.

Hamsata Mazou 37:31
I agree with you, for sure. Like, I think I haven't come to that for realization yet. But that's my next semester. I'm taking it super seriously. Like, I want to get so serious in the beginning. Because I know for me, it's just setting myself up if I have the right setup and the right things like in routine, I know the end is going to be like very attainable. Very, like easy, right? It's the beginning, that's always the most difficult. And I'm just like, so serious about setting myself up and making sure I take those steps when needed to reach those goals in the end. And then yeah, but if I have another bad semester, like I did this one, I think I may not be able to forgive myself for both of them. Like one is bad, but two,

Alexis Grant 38:14
terrible, that's what I'm saying. Like, I can't do it. That's why

Hamsata Mazou 38:18
it's terrible. Like I thought it did mess up first semester. Like, I wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. Like, it was very, like, easy bounce back, you know, it was like it's nothing compared to this one. Just wanted to repeat like I truthfully.

Jeanine Ikekhua 38:36
And I think I'll be the cause of my own suffering. No,

Hamsata Mazou 38:39
why literally, and the thing is, I just don't want it to be like that, like in my head. I'm like, Girl, we might just might as well just drop out of this thing. No.

Alexis Grant 38:48
This was the first time I seriously considered lifestyle. Like

Hamsata Mazou 38:52
I find Nietzsche funny haha, but like I like getting closer to the for sure. In the sense of like, I don't know if I'm really meant for college. But then I'm also like, I've I've put so much into this already that I feel like stopping now would be such a waste for all the energy ever I've already put in and it's fun. Even academic wise, I think it's outside of academics. For me, the academics think I could go to another institution perhaps or something and get knock it all out. But I really feel like commitment and ties. I've made the community here the people and learn Yes, it's that's what's really holding me back. And the ties to organizations and stuff like that. That's really what's like, I'm sorry, you've done so much and put so much of your effort into this. It'd be such a joke for you to drop out and be like, I'm done. Like, that's really what's kind of keeping me afloat. And that's why it's like, I don't want to drop these things because they're what's keeping me going or also the hindered me and it's just like finding that balance. That's just something I really want to strive for next semester. And that's why I really want I put my academics as the forefront in the beginning because I don't think that's when all the extra curricular they hit, they hit in the middle, where you're like, Oh, I

Jeanine Ikekhua 40:07
guess was just a rock? No, no.

Hamsata Mazou 40:09
That's why I'm like, I really want to just take that so serious. And then let the pieces fall and what makes sense with my academic structure, and tech, that's what I'm prioritizing now. Like seriously prioritizing,

Jeanine Ikekhua 40:22
I think, yeah, no, I agree. And you know,

Hamsata Mazou 40:25
and then the rest fall in place. And if you don't make sense of this puzzle piece, apologies, but you're out, period. And that's really how I want to set it up. Yeah. And I just want to say like, I definitely agree with your sentiments, Lexi like, yeah, it must be a big girl semester, you know, Decisions, decisions that may not feel like the best or the funnest to make. But you know, what's going to be the best for your longevity and your long term? And that's just what really matters to prioritize that and make that for us. Because if we're not going to do it, no one's gonna make it for us.

Jeanine Ikekhua 41:00
I agree. I didn't talk about this, but your arms. I feel like everybody like thinks like, whenever we talk about the UK, my friends, like, I'm so excited for you to go have fun to go do this. Oh, but I'm also what?

Hamsata Mazou 41:12
Okay, this is such a bad time to interrupt you. But I just wanted to say, I'm also very happy to be UK. I just haven't expressed that at all. I feel like every time like she's just super happy. And I'm like, obviously very happy for you. But I think it's because I've already expressed it a one and done. I feel like I've expressed everything when I did express it the first time and it wasn't already. That's why I don't have anything to say that like, those estimates are still there. So I don't feel like repeating myself. No, I just want you to know I am excited for you. Like I may not be expressing it.

Jeanine Ikekhua 41:41
I'm not gonna lie. I don't believe you. Because every single time you bring it up you're going so I want to call me like is that what

Hamsata Mazou 41:52
no no actually don't like have attachment things to I don't like what do you want? I

Jeanine Ikekhua 41:57
don't read into it when you don't bring it up.

Hamsata Mazou 41:59
Yeah, it's a hard like, even like, this kind of topic like Isaiah leaving and stuff. Like, I'm so sad.

Jeanine Ikekhua 42:07
Oh, that was your bro. Very much was your

Alexis Grant 42:11
bro. As is something so many people

Hamsata Mazou 42:13
are leaving my advisor left. Oh gosh,

Alexis Grant 42:16
do you?

Jeanine Ikekhua 42:19
Don't? It's gonna be the last time I see y'all. Yeah, yeah, damn,

Alexis Grant 42:25
I make me cry. This is gonna be

Hamsata Mazou 42:28
leaving out what it is. I really feel like it's because I'm the one who always leaves people. And now people are leaving me is just so draining you. Yes. It's just like, I still hear y'all leaving me like BFR

Alexis Grant 42:44
FFR. But I'll be back or I'll be back. I was able to visit

Jeanine Ikekhua 42:49
I was able to visit.

Hamsata Mazou 42:51
I don't think okay, the thing is, I mean for you doesn't really apply to you. But for most people, specifically Falcon team stuff. Like, when they leave for me. It just, I don't feel like it'll ever be the same. Yeah, well, let's be at, like visiting. Okay, cool. I just feel like revisiting people who leave. It's kind of like rehashing old memories is trying to relive something that isn't there no more. And I just don't really do that. So like, even though like, for example, my advisedly because he's like, already gotten some. I'm like, as much as I would love to reach out to you and talk to you and stuff. The fact that I know you're not going to play like that role in my life no more, or be able to have such a huge role. That's basically what I just said, I'm repeating myself, but you won't be playing that huge role anymore. I just don't feel like they need to, like entertain you being here anymore. Because it's just like, not real. It's me wanting something that doesn't exist, essentially. And I don't need to be doing that. That's, that's how I see. And it might be harsh. I don't know if like, it's so harsh to somebody that but I'm just like, for the sake of me, like I just can't do that. So it's just like really just making peace, letting it go. Like if you come high and low, you know, I'll cherish it but I'm just not going to entertain it because the longevity wise, it just doesn't make sense.

Jeanine Ikekhua 44:07
That's valid. I was saying about the UK thing because it's the nice treasures for me. Because I don't really talk about this aspect of it, but I'm sure nuni scared. Oh, yeah. And it's so funny because when I brought that up to somebody, they were like, what I was like, Yeah, cuz like at the end of the day, y'all know how much I struggled? During was it the last couple of months of my sophomore year because that's when I'm black started and we talked about like mental health and stuff. Think about this. It's going to be a completely new environment a completely new accent that I got to adapt to people I got to adapt to like, I don't know these people and like the boys to go and have fun and everything. But like still, I'm I'm now becoming used to like having friends that I can like, kind of talk to and chill with and like having like that sense of some type of community I'm going to be uprooted from that to go to the UK to go make that kind of a community then be uprooted from that to come back to this community. How much are you're going to change? In the nine months that I've been gone? Like, am I going to recognize Oh, when I get back?

Alexis Grant 45:15
I'm gonna have hair is

Jeanine Ikekhua 45:23
but but like, no, seriously, like, is there still gonna be like a space for journey? Of course,

Alexis Grant 45:29
the Geneva space will never be I

Hamsata Mazou 45:31
do believe so. Because it goes back to the court. Each Bond didn't I mean, yeah, and I can relate to this, because that's basically my life and thought his life is essentially what you're about to experience for a little bit. It's putting your perspective right, from where I'm coming from, right? In the sense of people definitely do change. But it's like, acknowledging that change and acknowledging the person they are. Usually when people change, you can see if it's in a good or bad for you. And so being able to land with the friendship Do you don't I mean, and usually, when people do change, it's never anything that you can't still be friends with. But it's something you're going to have to learn, you know, maybe like relearning the friendship, the person and the dynamics on

Jeanine Ikekhua 46:15
knew that it is,

Hamsata Mazou 46:17
yeah, it's gonna be a journey is short. I know for me, like me, and my cousin, I guess, is a good example. Because we stayed friends throughout all my moves and stuff with me being near her not because we were younger, we didn't have phones. So it was like catching up new person, you know what I mean? And for some reason, our core I mean, we are family. So that might be our core, but still a friendship core. You know, it's still a strong, hopefully, usually. Yeah. And that usually is like the anchor of it. So yeah, it might be some new leaves the new branches on there. But same tree.

Alexis Grant 46:53
Real, might be some new branches, but it's the same tree. And honestly,

Hamsata Mazou 46:57
as long as you can rock with the new branches, because sometimes people move on for the better, but it's not for you, you know, I suppose you just got to respect that acknowledge that and be like, hey, maybe we can't be friends no more. Or maybe we can be friends from a distance. But usually, like, you're not going to be gone for like, a whole five years.

Alexis Grant 47:15
I know what I mean. Like, I see no part especially because I've been through, not the full on Move, move. But I have but like just even moving schools and not seeing friends. It's like, did it uh, like, honestly, if I if we're able to, like, catch up on FaceTime once every two months? That's good enough for me. To be honest.

Hamsata Mazou 47:34
We're gonna come back. It's gonna be like nothing ever happened. Like, as long as we have like our little FaceTime and that's really enough for me in a friendship. Yeah. Just to talk to the person that's like, well, y'all call though?

Jeanine Ikekhua 47:46
Yes. Well, oh, well, and a discussion? No, no. Okay, like Will I be asked to as in tune with yours life that

Hamsata Mazou 47:57
like you won't be that's that's kind of the we won't it because you're not here. The team will never

Jeanine Ikekhua 48:02
be, thank you know, me. I

Hamsata Mazou 48:04
know, she knew me. But like, you're gonna still be in tune with us. Do you know what I mean? So like, you're still gonna know what our philosophy philosophies are, like, what our where our heads are at what our thought processes will be, you know, when new relations or developments have occurred? and things of that sort. So you'll still be in tune with us. But like, fully, it's just not? Probably not. Yeah. Because,

Alexis Grant 48:30
but honestly, I still think you'll be in tuned like quite a bit. No, actually, especially because how we plan like how we're starting to talk about next semester is going like we're supposedly going to be very book heavy. Yes, that leaves a lot less

Hamsata Mazou 48:42
room for other things other accountable to please like, I really, I mean, means you need already

Jeanine Ikekhua 48:47
made a little pact. We all three of us making the pet Yeah, but I'm

Hamsata Mazou 48:51
just saying Now we get close. While the three of us are active academics this year, you know what I'm saying? Making sure that we're like, Hey, have you have you checked up on your books weren't really worth your time.

Alexis Grant 49:03
Because like I said early on the other like, I refuse to have the same semester I had this semester.

Hamsata Mazou 49:09
As you are like I'm saying this, but I really feel like I need

Alexis Grant 49:12
to be serious about then I'll hold you accountable because

Hamsata Mazou 49:13
eyes perceive us like I'm not there yet.

Jeanine Ikekhua 49:17
You're not as serious with them. Because your problem is not the academics. I think your problem honestly, as an outsider looking in I could be wrong. I think you take on too much outside of school and that leaves you I think like me, I think you just take on too much outside of school. So what I think you need to do is not focus more on academics, I think you need to start to cut down or give less of yourself outside of school and then the academics will naturally flow in.

Hamsata Mazou 49:43
That is so real also, too, that is so real. Because I feel like my rest because rest I said earlier was like so important for me, for me to restore also takes up a lot of time. So putting all that energy in. I don't have much left for school. I really don't. So I really just like can't say those words.

Alexis Grant 50:01
Is there anything that you're doing now that you know you can let it like? Yeah, like semester something go.

Hamsata Mazou 50:05
So, so funny had the same conversation before. I really okay, so I did some things for extra credit. So like there's two things already know I'm leaving away like I did an externship that's basically like having an internship internship during the semester. Yeah. And mine was from like, what September to November. That's basically the majority of the semester that really took up. Most of my time, I did all projects, like you guys saw, like the end result of it. But there's so much more before it that I was working on during the school year. And that was like an extra academic, you know what I mean? And it had its own, like, commitments and so forth. And then No, like meetings and stuff, that I had other meetings for classes I was taking, because that was like, oh, you should do this, because this is extra credit. Or you should do this because it's your major and stuff. And I realize this may be for your major, but are you ready to take on those commitments of your major? Right. And I realize I'm not. I'm not,

Jeanine Ikekhua 51:04
I mean, you're just a sophomore. Like,

Hamsata Mazou 51:05
that's what I'm saying. And like, the thing is, I always like to be ahead like this thing of me. I like to be ahead. I don't like doing everything, what the mass majority figuring out like no, if I have the ability to, I want to be ahead, I want to get things in and out you know what I'm not take in your own time, take in your own speed and your own capabilities. And I just feel like that was something I neglected because I guess I've never saw how much I was really able to balance. So now I know my limit, you know, yeah, you don't know your limits.

Alexis Grant 51:37
That's good. That's good that you know your limit now. And honestly, even that externship like I think that will relieve a lot of your

Hamsata Mazou 51:43
externship I feel like really was a lot more than what I thought it was gonna be for.

Unknown Speaker 51:49
Yeah

Alexis Grant 51:51
well, that was a great episode. It was I feel good about that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 51:57
Tomorrow nap I needed to get on that that is so good. I took a nap another episode that's so funny to me like I'm keeping it in.

Alexis Grant 52:03
I'm keeping it because I was just too funny to meet you waking up so we're talking about

Jeanine Ikekhua 52:11
that's so funny. You could nap fell down like you right you had a lot happened to you this

Alexis Grant 52:16
episode I was on black Thank you for listening.

Hamsata Mazou 52:22
Thank you It's so funny.

Alexis Grant 52:26
The synchronization um yeah, we'll have the questions most I can't even remember all we talked about but anyways

Hamsata Mazou 52:34
forgiveness Do you forgive yourself?

Alexis Grant 52:37
Do you forgive yourself as your people you're holding forgiveness you're not forgiving.

Jeanine Ikekhua 52:43
deserve forgiveness? Yeah,

Hamsata Mazou 52:45
I feel like we also talked about a little bit about your commitments you know, what commitments are you neglecting? What commitments do you want to put at the forefront and what changes do you want to make for yourself because with forgiveness comes a little bit of change you know

Alexis Grant 52:58
wow, we knew here that but we'll see y'all next time don't forget to follow the Instagram on black that podcast we are

Hamsata Mazou 53:06
we are calm Black has been working since summer.

Jeanine Ikekhua 53:10
Like non stop like we never took a break. Now we'll be here for I don't think y'all know like we'd be in here we be deep in here like we talked about some it's always gonna be four hours

Hamsata Mazou 53:22
right 567

Jeanine Ikekhua 53:24
starts getting long but either way oops

Alexis Grant 53:29
we got her feet in the air yeah we'll see y'all later bye

Hamsata Mazou 53:58
Oh What else do we say was that didn't want to answer it. You

Alexis Grant 54:00
want to tell it real quick? Yeah,

Hamsata Mazou 54:02
not really. That's feels like a lot of thinking. Nevermind we want to I live real that thing. That's number one. I don't want to Island. I don't want to be out here may not be contributor. I think that's my spot for row.

Jeanine Ikekhua 54:13
I'm done. That's valid.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai