On Black.

Alexis Grant 0:00
Hi, I'm Alexis.

Hamsata Mazou 0:02
And I'm Hamsata.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:03
And I'm Jeanine. And you're listening to WKNC 88.1 FM HD-1 radio

Hamsata Mazou 0:19
I think we're talking about boundaries, but I gave my spiel on it.

Alexis Grant 0:22
So we can continue.

Hamsata Mazou 0:23
Yes, ma'am.

Alexis Grant 0:24
Okay, sounds good.

Hamsata Mazou 0:26
Sounds very good.

Alexis Grant 0:28
Do y'all believe friends with benefits is possible?

Hamsata Mazou 0:31
How did this go from like, racism to friends with benefits.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:39
Let me, let me tell y'all something. I've never had a friends with benefit, but let me just, you know, put myself in those shoes.

Alexis Grant 0:47
Okay.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:47
Do I think it's possible? Or is it possible?

Alexis Grant 0:50
Yes.

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:50
Like, what do you mean? Like, can it happen?

Alexis Grant 0:52
Like, is that a real thing? Or is it always somebody's trying to date, somebody's trying to da da da da?

Jeanine Ikekhua 0:57
I think that's a real thing. It's not even that, the thing that blows my mind about friends with benefits is how y'all act afterwards. Like, you was just messing with this person, y'all was just. Not to be graphic or anything. But y'all was just, y'all was just. And now, y'all just go back to, Hey, friend, how are you? How was your day? No, you were just doing what I need to. But you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not adding up for me, but do I think it's possible? Yeah, I think sometimes people just want to get it done with.

Alexis Grant 1:29
I don't have that friends with benefits.

Jeanine Ikekhua 1:31
Okay, what are you? Was the key key key?

Alexis Grant 1:35
Yes. When you said just, get it get it done. Are you talking about like, one time?

Jeanine Ikekhua 1:40
No, I'm talking about like you have an agreement to have key key key.

Alexis Grant 1:43
Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Hamsata Mazou 1:46
I forgot, what was the saying?

Jeanine Ikekhua 1:47
Yeah, I don't know either.

Hamsata Mazou 1:49
You said, um, do you think friends.. what was the question?

Alexis Grant 1:53
I'm talking about what we was just talking about 30 seconds ago. I don't know what the question I asked. Oh, just what do you think about it Hamsata? We just gonna move on.

Hamsata Mazou 2:03
I'm trying to remember. Okay. My perspective, right. I think it's very much possible. I think it can sometimes end up turning into somebody catching feelings and stuff and then other person.

Jeanine Ikekhua 2:15
I mean yeah why won't you? You deep inside somebody else, like what the. That was a bit much. I apologize y'all. But it's true, like you're literally physically inside. No, I keep it real with you audience. I'm so sorry. I'm cutting you off. Go ahead. You forgot what you're gonna say, didn't you? Yeah girl.

Hamsata Mazou 2:44
Wait, okay, hold on, Lexi's like. Yeah, she thought it was possible. Yeah. I think it's like not as often of occurrence, you know, because I feel like, oh, you know, people, people catch feelings. Yeah. And stuff like that. You know, sometimes you start off something as one thing, and then later it blows into another thing, you know what I'm saying, but I think it's very much possible at the end of the day.

Alexis Grant 3:05
That being said, when you are trying to start a relationship, what are your personal, this is your personal opinion. For you. What are your boundaries on what's cheating?

Hamsata Mazou 3:22
Somebody put it best. If you can't tell me that you did this thing. Then you, you already know that you cheated. You know what I'm saying?

Jeanine Ikekhua 3:30
And also, if you can't do it in front of me.

Hamsata Mazou 3:32
That too, if you can't tell me after said occurrence happened, like you told me about your day. And let's say you and whoever went out to eat lunch and you felt like you had to omit that information because it wasn't important. It was important. And you didn't feel like saying it. Now if it's just like you and Rachel. Cool, that's you and Rachel.

Jeanine Ikekhua 3:52
Rachel?

Alexis Grant 3:53
Where did Rachel come from?

Hamsata Mazou 3:54
I don't know

Alexis Grant 3:57
Who the hell is Rachel. I have a question then. Let's say, let's say your little boo thing at the mall, some girl flirt with him.

Jeanine Ikekhua 4:16
He better come tell me.

Hamsata Mazou 4:17
Yeah, and as long as you don't entertain it, because I feel like you can't control somebody else's like actions towards you but you can control how you respond to it. What's my next steps, if he entertains it.

Alexis Grant 4:29
They entertaining, and they come and tell me that they entertained it

Hamsata Mazou 4:31
I feel like it depends how I find out you know, so like, if you come and tell me

Jeanine Ikekhua 4:37
I thought I was about to ask like, in your scenario like, they came and told me or like I found out or something? I saw it happen in front of my face?

Hamsata Mazou 4:48
I'd be like, Yo, what's, what's up with that?

Alexis Grant 4:50
Like, but like, obviously, we've established that the boundary has been crossed. But it has been crossed to the point where you're breaking up with them?

Hamsata Mazou 4:57
Breaking up with them. I think we have a good, serious talk about it. Especially if this was like the first time you know, second time it's like, oh, you, you added time? Yeah, I definitely have a good, good serious talk. Cuz I feel like I mean, at least, definitely cheating. You know what I'm saying. But like from the boundaries.

Alexis Grant 5:18
Like a deal breaker?

Hamsata Mazou 5:20
It definitely is. But I feel like

Jeanine Ikekhua 5:23
Is that a question?

Alexis Grant 5:24
Okay, what if you're married and y'all have kids?

Jeanine Ikekhua 5:26
Oh, first of all,

Hamsata Mazou 5:29
I think, why would, I don't think I'm getting married to somebody who do that.

Alexis Grant 5:32
Yeah, I want to say that too. But so do a lot of people. You know? Okay, let's say they didn't they didn't go out and did the do. Let's say they just, let's say they kissed somebody else.

Jeanine Ikekhua 5:48
Oh, and you're married? You not only sleeping in the dog house, you are going to live and build your own house. Another couple states away.

Hamsata Mazou 5:58
Like the separation process might be, I don't know fully divorced, but definitely going to a lot before you could get back in.

Jeanine Ikekhua 6:06
What happened? She kissed you? Or y'all were kissing?

Alexis Grant 6:10
She kissed you and you reciprocated.

Jeanine Ikekhua 6:12
Oh, and you went back for another kiss?

Alexis Grant 6:14
Not back for another kiss. Just she kissed you. And you took it in and you took it.

Hamsata Mazou 6:18
So like let's say it was a peck but then you...

Alexis Grant 6:21
Like, let's say somebody comes on to your man. She kisses him. He doesn't pull back. Oh, he just

Hamsata Mazou 6:27
oh, I'm like, I'm just gone.

Jeanine Ikekhua 6:31
And I'm married. And let's

Alexis Grant 6:32
say let's say you bought the home. He then he pulls back after he's reciprocated the kiss. I was like, I can't I can't I can't he comes home to you. He's like this and this happen.

Hamsata Mazou 6:41
I feel like that that's a good. I feel like that I could definitely work its way in the marriage. That for me is workable if he's definitely, this girl is losing it over here, this girl is losing it over here (inaudible for a couple of seconds)

Jeanine Ikekhua 6:52
losing it cause I'm like I'm in relationship, I wish a man would, wish a man would. Um, go ahead. You were saying something?

Hamsata Mazou 7:03
Definitely, like a long conversation is gonna be had about that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 7:06
A long conversation. We're gonna die there. A long conversation. We are dying there. What do you mean?

Alexis Grant 7:16
You and what if. Okay, let's say you're dating. I'm going through all these scenarios.

Hamsata Mazou 7:20
If we're dating it's clip

Alexis Grant 7:24
When they cross a boundary that isn't cheating. But you also feel isn't respectful to your relationship.

Hamsata Mazou 7:32
If it hasn't been established, then they, you know, they couldn't have known so we're going to converse about that and be like, Hey, I don't like this. Like, just to let you know, like heads up. This will no longer be entertained. Don't do it again, this is how I feel about it. Now it's already established and we're dating it's clip because you already knew this.

Jeanine Ikekhua 7:49
And that's how I feel about the marriage because it's like, I don't know something about marriage. Like we've gone so far. Like to get to the point where I said yes, in front of God and my family. Like, I must really be in love with you. Don't let me go Jack don't. Like, come on, but like, let's stay together forever.

Alexis Grant 8:10
Don't want to wait.

Jeanine Ikekhua 8:10
Oh my god. No, but like, and then you take all of that for a kiss.

Hamsata Mazou 8:21
Right?

Jeanine Ikekhua 8:23
No, nothing. I think because we're married. Oh,

Hamsata Mazou 8:29
here's my thing. If you do anything intoxicated, you always wanted to do it. But you're using your current state as an excuse. I have no care in the world for what you do intoxicated. That is not a valid excuse at all. That's the same as you doing consciously. But you are not strong enough to do it consciously. So you want to use the little whatever you remove, as an excuse. As an excuse.

Jeanine Ikekhua 8:55
I've never been drunk. So I literally don't know what, and I never will be. So I don't know. I've never been. I've never been drunk. Yeah. They have never been drunk.

Alexis Grant 9:07
None of us in On Black have ever been drunk, we are going based off people who are over the proper age.

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:15
Yeah.

Alexis Grant 9:18
I can say I have been drunk because the age limit for drinking is not eight, and 21 everywhere.

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:24
Oh, that's true. Well, I've never had a drink.

Hamsata Mazou 9:26
I've never had a drink in my life either.

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:30
The point is, nobody has broken any rules.

Alexis Grant 9:36
Yes. The point is nobody has broken any rules.

Hamsata Mazou 9:38
Right? But yeah, my schpiel, l I just feel like people being intoxicated is just not an excuse. No.

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:45
I mean, I don't know what it feels like but are you conscious? And I was asked this question.

Alexis Grant 9:52
Okay, like conscious,

Jeanine Ikekhua 9:53
like, are you aware of your actions?

Alexis Grant 9:55
So the thing is the first thing that you lose when you start drinking is your ability to properly make decisions, before you even start feeling drunk that is you lose that first.

Jeanine Ikekhua 10:07
So Can that be an excuse for kissing somebody?

Alexis Grant 10:11
Here's the I personally believe it is fully possible that somebody can get drunk, kiss somebody, and they would have never done it sober. But also that being said if like, I feel like if you know that's how you are when you're drunk. Why would you do that?

Hamsata Mazou 10:32
Especially around,

Alexis Grant 10:33
If you know, you loose. Put it front, if you know you loose when you drunk,

Jeanine Ikekhua 10:38
you shouldn't be drinking.

Alexis Grant 10:39
And I'll order together. Why are you getting loose? Why are you getting loose?

Jeanine Ikekhua 10:44
I feel like you should know self control. Like at that point, if you've been drinking for a while like you should know yourself, that if I take seven drinks it's getting sloppy toppy, know what I'm saying like don't, don't do that. I don't know. I don't know. I've never been drunk so I can't really like say but cheating is cheating. Don't kiss Rache,l don't kiss rachel. Don't be talking to Rachel. Don't be sexting Rachel

Hamsata Mazou 11:12
How do y'all feel about, oh go ahead.

Alexis Grant 11:14
No you go, because I think you might say the same thing I was gonna say.

Hamsata Mazou 11:16
Oh yeah. Oh, I was about to say, how you feel about like work husbands and wife and stuff.

Jeanine Ikekhua 11:21
I think there's boundaries now. Don't bring her home. Because if.

Alexis Grant 11:25
Oh hell no

Jeanine Ikekhua 11:27
If Rachel is at my front door, Hey, what we eating for dinner, Rachel getting kicked out. Both of y'all can go eat in the doghouse. I feel like as a black person who's probably going to work in a predominantly white space. I understand. Not even that but like I can understand a black woman and a black men or black whatever, coming together and like uniting and depending on each other. I can understand that. But also like, there are boundaries.

Alexis Grant 12:03
So it's like, is that flirting but not flirting? But not explicit flirting, no one's over here like, mm, that dumper dumping today. No, but like, like what people what people like to call like, innocent flirting.

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:27
I don't believe in innocent flirting

Alexis Grant 12:30
Purr

Hamsata Mazou 12:31
Give us an example of innocent flirting in a workspace

Alexis Grant 12:34
okay actually let me describe it this way.

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:36
That's discrimination

Alexis Grant 12:37
if you both are aware that you are aesthetically attracted to each other and you guys have a good bond but you never let it go past that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:46
So you start like, so

Hamsata Mazou 12:47
is it like a best friendship?

Alexis Grant 12:48
no, you're aesthetically as in sexually attracted to each other, y'all both know that and you also friends

Jeanine Ikekhua 12:56
I think my mind can't wrap, like can't wrap around this, or cannot have. My mind is just not getting it, because like when I get a relationship, automatically all the other guys are dead to me.

Alexis Grant 13:08
I can admit somebody was better than my man but I'm not gonna want anybody more than my man

Hamsata Mazou 13:14
I brought this up so let me not bring it up again (inaudible)

Alexis Grant 13:27
No, that's because, I honestly I see it more as a disrespect if you're gonna sit here and tell me I'm the best looking person you have ever seen in your life. I don't think I do this to me. Oh, no. But like, like, especially if it's a celebrity there's no, there's no stakes. There's nothing at stakes, it's one thing we in the mall. I'm like oh my God, look how beautiful that woman is. versus me being like, Sza look fire in her last post. She did exactly. If you don't agree with me, why are we lying to each other.

Hamsata Mazou 14:06
I think you should be able to like you know appreciate beauty.

Alexis Grant 14:12
I don't think you're gonna cheat on me

Hamsata Mazou 14:14
Right. That's a difference between like

Jeanine Ikekhua 14:16
like no boundaries. Like for example, you can be like, oh, yeah, and she, she is she's very pretty. But if you like oh yeah, I would sleep with her. She Yeah,

Hamsata Mazou 14:25
that's a whole different like conversation right there.

Alexis Grant 14:27
Don't even bring it up to me and like even like, Okay, let's go back to like, my husband's at work. You know, he's telling me about his work people and scenario. I'm like, Oh, does da da da look good. You can say yes. I'm not gonna think you trying to sleep with her. If they look good, they look good. I'm not that insecure. Like I understand that. I'm like, almost to my own detriment people like people told me that like the way I'm I'm like, act lax in my relationships, they think I'm gonna get cheated on.

Jeanine Ikekhua 14:58
Oh, wow. I remember we had this conversation

Alexis Grant 15:00
If I want to be in a relationship with you that means I really trust you, I really don't think you're gonna do anything to me. So I'm not looking for any sign.

Jeanine Ikekhua 15:07
Oh my god

Alexis Grant 15:17
I drink the drink with the lid on.

Hamsata Mazou 15:22
So like, I poured it even more and it started dripping from the side. And I was like, This is crazy.

Alexis Grant 15:28
If I'm willing to get in a relationship with you, that means I'm secure with a relationship with you. So I'm not going to be looking for little signs here and there that you're doing this that and the third, you can say somebody looks good. I'm not gonna think you sleeping with them. You start coming to me, you talking about five different women you think look good every day. What are we talking about?

Hamsata Mazou 15:47
How do y'all feel about? If they bring it up? Like is it more so like, you bring it up and then.

Jeanine Ikekhua 15:52
give me an example.

Hamsata Mazou 15:53
So like, let's say you're like, chillin at the park. And then somebody passes by, be like, Oh, she looked good. And he says that to you.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:03
Oh, no,

Alexis Grant 16:04
that was unprovoked.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:05
Yeah.

Alexis Grant 16:09
I would feel more confident. I think it's the wording. And he was like, yeah, her hair's really nice.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:13
I mean, that's different.

Alexis Grant 16:15
If he's like, wow, she has really good face structure.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:17
Okay. She's like, Oh, wow, her body banging Oh, oh,

Hamsata Mazou 16:22
That too to be honest. I feel like.

Alexis Grant 16:27
And we both look at each other. I'm like, Yeah, her body was nice

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:30
Like big butt.

Alexis Grant 16:32
Yeah.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:32
Have you ever seen like an extraordinarily big butt? And it's just like, What the heck?

Hamsata Mazou 16:42
Say that about like bbls in person I have never.

Jeanine Ikekhua 16:55
Yeah. And we're more vocal about it. So if I see a big, I'm like, that's a big butt, and he's like that is a big butt. Okay. Keep it there. That's the end of that.

Alexis Grant 17:05
Oh, I wouldn't even be mad because it's a big butt, like.

Jeanine Ikekhua 17:15
And that's what I'm saying. No, like, keep it there. But don't go on to like, start being extra about it.

Hamsata Mazou 17:27
Give me the keys.

Jeanine Ikekhua 17:31
I'm like, stay here. I'll go home.

Hamsata Mazou 17:34
Go to the car go out the door

Alexis Grant 17:37
Don't be saying this all the time. But like somebody has this amazing cheekbones and a great.

Jeanine Ikekhua 17:42
Oh, yeah, for sure

Alexis Grant 17:44
Good shape. Say it like that? Because that's how I'd be doing it.

Jeanine Ikekhua 17:48
And it's like,

Alexis Grant 17:49
wow, their eye to mouth ratio. I'm like, do you see how great their nose is shaped? Like? That's a great looking nose.

Hamsata Mazou 18:04
Appreciating aspects of their beauty.

Alexis Grant 18:08
We can't. I want to say fantasize, but we can't say.

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:11
I would say fantasizing,

Alexis Grant 18:12
fantasizing. appreciation I'm cool with, fantasizing. What are we doing?

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:16
start saying that you will da da, like. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, thank you, sir

Alexis Grant 18:25
You will be single,

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:26
leave Rachel alone.

Alexis Grant 18:29
Leave her alone. Please. I don't know. The whole dynamic of like, work husband. Like personally, I don't want a work husband, work life. I don't want my significant other to.

Hamsata Mazou 18:41
What other question we're gonna ask when I was asking that one. Sorry.

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:48
I don't remember either.

Hamsata Mazou 18:52
Because I felt like it wasn't the same question. It was cause Jeanine. What did you say that triggered that response?

Jeanine Ikekhua 18:59
I don't even remember, man. I was talking about like if a black person. Like I'm more comfortable, like I'm okay with the idea of like, my husband having like a black woman because I get it that black people need to unite in the workspace.

Hamsata Mazou 19:14
Oh, yeah. That is what she said. I don't know if that's what triggered

Alexis Grant 19:20
Oh, I know what it was. Do y'all feel comfortable. What are your, let me start it, let me run it back. What are your personal opinions about your significant? other. Cover, your significant other, having a best friend of the opposite sex?

Jeanine Ikekhua 19:39
That's fine with me.

Hamsata Mazou 19:40
I feel like as long as they were best friends before the relationship. Honestly, I like how this other couple moves. They were like, if you're best friends with this person, we're both going to be best friends with them. Does that make sense? Like as a couple, we're going to be best friends with that couple. And if let's say they're not in a relationship, we can all be friends with that person together. But it shouldn't be like This is my best friend. And I know nothing about it. And it's just like, our little thing. And it's just like, this could be our thing. I mean, obviously, sometimes you may want to go hang out with your friend by yourself. And that's cool.

Alexis Grant 20:11
I feel like it just depends that like, it's one thing like, you're in class together, like, yeah, like, it's like, like it's in between.

Hamsata Mazou 20:21
But not like, consistently, like,

Alexis Grant 20:24
If that's a scenario where if I was there, it would have been a date. Something's off. It's just y'all two. But also, my thought process is this, I feel personally, I'm fine with you having a best whatever, whatever, fine. But as our relationship grows, if you don't start slightly drifting away from that, I feel like there's energy you're putting into her that you can be putting into me. Because at the end of day, we're in a relationship, you should want me to be your best friend.

Jeanine Ikekhua 20:56
Yeah.

Alexis Grant 20:57
So if you still have enough energy to keep that same level of best friend, you're still going up and spend the same amount of time and everything with each other. That means there's time or energy or whatever that you could be putting into our relationship instead. And you're deciding not to. So you're, so it's more about you're not prioritizing our relationship than me being concerned about the cheating. But also the No, I'm not concerned about cheating. Unless it's like the word. We have to be like, in it deep and you still besties with this chick? Like it's one thing for her like it just the dynamic can't be the same.

Jeanine Ikekhua 21:29
Yeah, that's my biggest thing

Hamsata Mazou 21:31
I feel like you're gonna start setting boundaries. Once the relationship grows with your best friend that

Alexis Grant 21:36
growing as a relationship, and y'all have the exact same dynamic that?

Hamsata Mazou 21:40
No, definitely does. If you don't know anything about this person, like,

Alexis Grant 21:44
Even if I know them the dynamic should be the same because something's off.

Jeanine Ikekhua 21:48
I just feel like certain things need to change. Like some people have like sleepovers with their guy best friend. Oh, they're not having a sleepover with me.

Alexis Grant 21:56
The second we're in a relationship. That is, I don't think I would get in a relationship with somebody who does that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 22:00
Yeah, I feel like you have to have boundaries. And also, somebody will be like, Oh,

Alexis Grant 22:04
I take that back, because I can think of a few people that I know have really really close friends and they do sleep overnight, not in the same bed.

Hamsata Mazou 22:12
Yeah, let's say like, yeah,

Alexis Grant 22:14
and there's I know for a fact, there's nothing going on.

Jeanine Ikekhua 22:17
I just feel like there's boundaries that you should establish. And I had, just a scenario. I know somebody who like who had a friend she had like her guy but she has a guy best friend. And the guy best friend got a girlfriend. And there was like a time where the girlfriend of the guy best friend

Alexis Grant 22:39
I'm lost.

Jeanine Ikekhua 22:43
there's a guy there's a guy who has a best, a, and a has a best friend and the best friend is b. b for best friend. Okay, and then then A's a male B is a female. Yes. And then a went and got a girlfriend and she is c. okay, so a the boyfriend got C the girlfriend flowers. And then the best friend B was like oh my gosh, like we're close, Why didn't you get me flowers

Alexis Grant 23:13
you're my man. Why would she ever say that? You're not in a relationship. I do not call. What the hell are we talking about?

Jeanine Ikekhua 23:25
I'm dead

Hamsata Mazou 23:27
Why are we supposed to be treated the same?

Jeanine Ikekhua 23:30
Right? That's what I'm saying

Hamsata Mazou 23:33
He didn't choose you, he chose me

Alexis Grant 23:35
for a reason. What are we talking about?

Hamsata Mazou 23:40
And I feel like as a you should have a conversation with Little Miss B and be like hey,

Alexis Grant 23:46
B needs to go to lowercase b

Hamsata Mazou 23:52
big B need to pipe down this is not your role. This is not your role.

Alexis Grant 23:59
B need to be in 2 size font. Bro, because the other thing is I want to be with a man who's thinking similar so if his girl best friend come up saying that I want him to not be dumb. Like you're in the wrong. Why would you think this. This is weird? We need to, our friendship needs to.

Jeanine Ikekhua 24:24
also the girl best friend, and I'm only saying girl best friend because that would be our scenarios. Yeah. The girl best friend very much like, Know your place, like if I was a guy's best friend. know your place. If they're like.

Alexis Grant 24:40
You don't even have to tell me to backup, I backed up myself. I don't even want to be part of that drama.

Jeanine Ikekhua 24:44
No. Like, I feel like if they're like oh, I don't want to Hey, like I can we hangout later I want to go to my girlfriend and go ahead, but also like don't neglect your friends. I feel there's a balance like make time for your relationships. But don't neglect your friends.

Alexis Grant 24:58
That's basically what it is. They can't be your best friend, eventually, they can be your best friend anymore. They have to go from best friends to partners.

Jeanine Ikekhua 25:03
See, I'm not gonna say that because I will keep my best friend. But my best friend is also a girl. I don't know if that changes things

Hamsata Mazou 25:11
because we said opposite sex best friend

Alexis Grant 25:13
or not even.

opposite sex because we're straight.

Jeanine Ikekhua 25:16
But why does it matter though? because like, Are you afraid that it could develop into romantic relationships? Are there certain things? Because it's like, if if it's just best friends shouldn't just be like, best friends like it doesn't matter. They're just best friends. So they would act as best friends and no

Alexis Grant 25:33
no, goes back to it's more of if we're looking at a base level like Okay, your best friends a girl, you are putting a lot of time and energy into this woman that should be put into me, the woman. because the time and energy you put into, I feel like as a guide. You know what? Guys listening to this, please let us know, tech, like, put it in the comments, do whatever, whatever. But the energy that you are putting into a friendship towards a female best friend is not the same energy you're putting into a friendship as a male best friend.

Hamsata Mazou 26:10
Okay, you gonna have to ask a man because I wouldn't know.

Alexis Grant 26:13
I wouldn't know either. But I'm thinking, not that the male friends that I have, I'm putting in certain energy, but my dynamics with my male friends aren't the same as my dynamics with my female friends.

Jeanine Ikekhua 26:24
See, I'm thinking of them as equal.

Alexis Grant 26:27
But like, realistically, is it for you? Like you're treating them the exact same and dynamic is the same.

Jeanine Ikekhua 26:33
I don't,

Alexis Grant 26:33
because there's stuff like even, I'll go around and I'm like, I might sit on top of my friend. I might sit on top of Cassidy. Just. If it's a male friend, I'm not going to randomly sit on top of them. And for that point alone, even though they both might be really close friends. There's a different dynamic there.

Hamsata Mazou 26:53
Yeah, cuz you have different boundaries with different friends and I think that also comes with like the gender roles.

Jeanine Ikekhua 26:58
I'm looking, I'm looking more so like the time like because you keep.

Alexis Grant 27:02
I'm looking at action too because like if you're putting, a friendship takes effort, like not just the time it takes the effort, this that the third. Like, if I'm your, if, like we have to be dating for a while. I would understand this but like, if we're dating a good year. And unless your bestie blew over here like I'm dangerously. I'm not I'm not somebody super materialistic. But as far as the thought, I would hope that you would put more thought into my birthday gift than theirs.

Hamsata Mazou 27:33
Oh, yeah, for sure.

Alexis Grant 27:34
Like, I don't know. It's a little thing. It's the effort. Like I don't I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who's putting more effort into a different female than me

Hamsata Mazou 27:41
that's crazy. Like if I actually

Alexis Grant 27:44
Because what happens when we get married. You still want to have a female best friend?

Hamsata Mazou 27:49
I just feel like all the best friends just need to get cut off

Jeanine Ikekhua 27:54
I'm not leaving but I know boundaries. Yeah. Oh wait oh sorry.

Hamsata Mazou 28:01
our case yeah

Jeanine Ikekhua 28:04
I don't think they need to, me personally I don't think they need to be cut off. But well I think that

Hamsata Mazou 28:10
From like that dynamic, not necessarily cut off like friends with them no more

Jeanine Ikekhua 28:15
you should be smart enough to maintain a certain dynamic with your best friend

Alexis Grant 28:21
Y'all can't be friends, y'all can't be good friends. Y'all can be good friends. But I don't know, spending repetitive alone time with each other. You putting more effort into her emotions, her thoughts, what she likes

Jeanine Ikekhua 28:34
That's your girlfriend at that point.

Hamsata Mazou 28:35
Exactly. Right. Exactly. Instead of Why did you have to drag me along?

Alexis Grant 28:42
And the thing is personally for me, I would like to be my husband's best friend.

Hamsata Mazou 28:48
Best friend. So why do you have two best friends?

Jeanine Ikekhua 28:52
that is, that is a woman.

Hamsata Mazou 28:54
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that is a woman.

Alexis Grant 28:56
Because again, the guy best friend, like even for us, like like I said, like, I would go out go bug, touch whatever, blah, blah. To my female friend I would not do to my male friend, there's something I would do to my female friends that I would not do to my male friends and that they're just because of that, what happens to be gender role alone is different. The dynamics are different for the best friends.

Jeanine Ikekhua 29:20
And I agree. I gotta be in it to fully process it. But I see what you guys are saying.

Alexis Grant 29:27
Because like if I go on a work trip and my guys male best friend, come spend the weekend with him at the house. Versus a female best friend coming to spend the week.

Jeanine Ikekhua 29:38
I'd be like damn, y'all playing house?

Alexis Grant 29:44
and I can't even say that is like always because of the cheating. It's even like, like you spend enough alone time with someone, you spend a certain amount of time somebody like something will develop. Not necessarily. I'm saying you guys will develop romantically per se. But like, I don't even want to put like, why would you put yourself in a position where that is possible?

Hamsata Mazou 30:05
Especially if you're planning on devoting yourself to this

Alexis Grant 30:10
I feel like if you really liked me like that, you wouldn't have the urge to do certain things with your female best friend anymore, right? Because that's how I would be. And that's why even like, my guy, friends, I've had that have been close, when they get a girlfriend, like, I'm, I change our dynamic of our friendship myself. I'm not even gonna put them in the position where they have to deal with that, I'm changing it myself. Because I don't want to be some weird ledge or support system or da da da for your relationship, your relationship needs to stand on it's own. And that needs to become your best friend, because I believe that should be your best friend.

Hamsata Mazou 30:45
That brings up another question, how y'all feel about the best friendship, right? Of like your partner venting to their best friend about the relationship all the time, like the opposite sex, like every time you get into a little issue, they'll be like, ooh.

Alexis Grant 30:58
Personally, me, issues in relationships, I understand that those things are gonna happen. But if we're getting into enough where it's repetitive and it's venting, we shouldn't be in a relationship anymore.

Jeanine Ikekhua 31:10
Not even that, like you're gonna have little small arguments with your partner like little tiny stuff. I'm not venting about my partner, yeah, to anyone, just because number one. That's our business and we can talk to each other. But I can understand if it's like, okay, he did something. Am I doing too much? Am I overreacting? Yeah, like going through a friend. But there's certain yeah, there's just like, certain things that like, you don't need to go to other people for like, they shouldn't be included, in my opinion. And that part of relationship like, I don't even go to my mom, because number one, nobody's gonna see my partner the way that I'm going to see them like I can give you at that moment. I'm giving you only the bad information about them. And I feel like that's unfair to them, because that might change your perspective of them.

Hamsata Mazou 31:54
They do, that's what they say like don't tell your friends like all the bad things, because when you and that person get back together, they're only going to see them for their bad and not for their good. Do you know what I'm saying?

Jeanine Ikekhua 31:54
Yeah, cuz they know everything.

Hamsata Mazou 31:57
Because if they did stuff that's bad enough, that I feel like you shouldn't be with them.

Jeanine Ikekhua 32:09
Oh, yeah, go ahead and slip that off

Hamsata Mazou 32:11
Well, yeah, but it's not even that it's just like, the build up perception like you don't like the little bad things. If that gets added up, you know, this person like, Oh, I know all these bad things about you. And it's like the good.

Alexis Grant 32:22
Not even gonna be bothering me, when it comes to my friends I'll be like, a lot of times I'll be honest, I feel like my friends be overreacting, I'm like, bro, it's not that deep.

Jeanine Ikekhua 32:29
You on the man's side but come on.

Alexis Grant 32:30
Like bro, you took that personal like that wasn't that serious, I promise you, or they'll be like this. And this happened. Like they have contacted me I'm like, literally they could be taking a nap like you're doing the most right now. You're taking like just don't because I just don't think of things so personal, lke you just can't think of the situation so personal. Don't make it personal til it is personal.

Hamsata Mazou 32:51
How will you know it's personal?

Alexis Grant 32:54
Right. Because these people can't tell us

Jeanine Ikekhua 32:55
I was about to say, if you're having an issue or feeling unhappy, talk to your partner even if, even if it's a small thing to other people, talk to your partner.

Hamsata Mazou 33:07
Yeah, I mean essentially always go to your partner.

Jeanine Ikekhua 33:10
because you're the one that's in the relationship, and not them.

Alexis Grant 33:13
But that's all we got time for right now guys. We have more questions about boundaries other boundaries, this that the third, self love, escaping the next episode. We have so much to say to y'all. We have so much we want y'all to hear. Why is Jeanine laughing? Let's get into that.

Jeanine Ikekhua 33:35
I was laughing at Hamsata.

Alexis Grant 33:37
Hamsata over here, she pulled out her phone. Plug the Instagram please so we can wrap this up

Jeanine Ikekhua 33:53
and she crushing my leg with her chair.

Hamsata Mazou 33:55
I think I should unexist right now.

Jeanine Ikekhua 33:59
That is so harsh, don't do that don't do that to yourself.

Hamsata Mazou 34:04
I'm back, anyways, resurrecting.

Jeanine Ikekhua 34:10
Oh, go ahead.

Hamsata Mazou 34:11
on black dot podcast. That is our Instagram, on black dot podcast. That is our Instagram. Go follow to see more behind the scenes and all the questions we asked you guys. Go answer them on the story. Post. Thank you.

Alexis Grant 34:37
And as always, if you have any comments, concerns, let us know. Let us know. Let us know.

Jeanine Ikekhua 34:42
Let us know.

Hamsata Mazou 34:43
We'll see y'all next time, next time. Bye

Transcribed by https://otter.ai